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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  July 19, 2013 6:55pm-7:26pm PDT

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has finished his second cinnabon. (laughter) and now, folks, we may never get our hands on this traiter because he has officially petitioned russia for asylum. of course russia was his fallback. he couldn't get asylum in ecuador or dartmouth. (laughter) but one senator knows how to put the screws to the russ keyes. >> republican senator lindsey graham says the united states should consider boycotting the games if russia gives the nsa leaker asylum. >> i love the olympics but i hate what the russian government is doing throughout the world. if they give asylum to a person who i believe has committed treason against the united states, that's taking to a new level. if you could go back in time would you have allowed adolf hitler to host the olympics in germany? >> stephen: yes, yes, good point. if you could go back in time and stop hitler from doing anything-- (laughter) >> it would surely be
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hosting the 1936 berlin games. (cheers and applause) no, that is without question my number one hitler related time travel fantasy. in fact, folks, i wrote a speculative fiction novel on this very subject entitled operation javelin. in which a time travelingeousie owens now trained as a sniper. goes back to the critical moment where hitler is about to sign his contract with the olympic committee, raises his life el and shoots the pen right out of hitler's hand. now obviously in the book hitler goes on to still do the other stuff but-- (laughter) >> but he never gets over the sting of seeing the olympic its move to baltimore. that's justice. (cheers and applause) point is-- the point is
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russia turned over snowden shall this is your last warning. but folks had there is some good news out there. we've got another political sex scandal. this time, this time involving san diego mayor bob fillner. shocking, i know. i always thought that chicken was the mayor. (laughter) jim, let's hear the gorey details. >> kissing, groping, lewd comments, sexual harassment, those are the allegations against long time liberal democrat, former congressman and current mayor of san diego bob fillner. >> it's alleged coworkers have coined specific terms like him like dirty old man and also refer to one of his alleged mos as the quote stillner head lock. >> oftentimes pulling close to their face and tell them you're wonderful. you're beautiful, i want to kiss you. >> and allegedly when a woman tries to evade the mayor's advances, coworkers refer to it as quote the filner dance.
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>> stephen: yes, the filner dance. because sexually harassing people gangnam style is so 2012. (laughter) now-- (applause) i think i sexually harassed myself. now filner has addressed this matter completely with an internet video. >> i begin today by apologizing to you. i have diminished the office to which you elected me. i'm clearly doing something wrong. and i have reach mood my heart and soul and realized i must and will change my behavior. >> stephen: see? this man reaches into heartsnd souls, and it's not his fault if sometimes there are titties in the way. (laughter) it happens. (applause) now despite his admission, mayor filner has announced will not resign. and folks i'm not surprised.
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these days the public is very forgiving of politicians and sex scandals, mark sanford has been re-elected to congress and right now in new york city's mayorral race, city council speaker christine quinn and former penis self-portraitist anthony weiner are running neck and what i hope is his neck. now no surprise, folks, no surprise new yorkers are willing to overlook weiner's previous indiscretions. i mean if they were disturbed by seeing exposed genital those one would ride the subway. (laughter) but of course, the big story this week is the political comeback of former new york governor and registered lip donor eliot spitzer. jim? >> in the race, former governor eliot spitzer barely has been in the race for a week and already he's leading manhattan borough president scott stringer 48-33 percent. >> stephen: yes, eliot spitzer could very well be
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new york's next comptroller. do you have any idea what that means? i don't. because what the hell is a comptroller? here to tell us is candidate for new york city comptroller eliot spitzer. elliott, thank you for coming. good to see you. (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: okay, elliott, you also got a book here. >> i do. >> stephen: it's call product tecting capitalism case by case. we'll get to that later. >> can we do that now. >> stephen: elliott. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: what is a comptroller. what does a comptroller do. >> i thought you were going to tell me. that's why i showed up. this is actually a hugely important position. you control or have a say in the investment of over 140 billion dollars of pension dollars that are the pensions for forming municipal wormer-- workers, you see overthe the budget, you see that the tax dollars are used for the purpose-- you seem so intent in listening. >> stephen: no, i do, it's good to know. given a position of this
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responsibility, shouldn't the job of comptroller go to someone who has shown a modicum of self-comptrol. (applause) >> you are right. >> stephen: why-- why, why should, why should the people trust new. >> based on the totality of the record. many years as attorney general, doing things with respect to capital markets that relate directly to the office of comptroller. >> stephen: attacking wall street. >> well, attacking, regulating it so it was honest and fair and transparent. and back in 2000, 2001 leading to the crisis of 2008 saying there are structural problems here that nobody wanted to admit. >> regulation is the word you used. you can't be pro regulation and pro capitalism. capitalism you have to cut the strings and fly, baby doll. >> that is so last century. >> stephen: why? >> here's why. the reality is, our understanding of markets was flawed. market does not work if you don't have annum prior. you cannot let the linesman on the football team call the holding penalty. you cannot leted wall street firms get away with this
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thing called self-regulation t will lead to another cataclysm. >> what does this have to do with that, that is not the job of the comptroller why dow want this job? because before you had your fall from grace or whatever her name was-- you-- (laughter) >> stephen: before you had your fall from grace, you were the governor of the state. >> right. >> stephen: you were the governor slaferp!. aren't you one at the same time both above and below this job. >> that's why-- that's why i'm trying to get right in the middle. here's why. in the book, which you kindly held up. >> stephen: there it is. >> i make an argument that ownership trumps regulation. and what i mean by that, i know that sounds like a wonky type of thing. you can't regulation your way to good judgement in the corporate boardrooms. you can't prosecute your way to good judgement, only if the people who own the company, and that's us, it's our money, our pension dollars, our mutual funds, only if they listen to us-- . >> stephen: okay. before we go. >> yes. >> stephen: before we go, one last question, and that is, you know, you're leading
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in the polls. you could win this thing. it's possible that weiner could win this thing, mark sanford had a comeback. do you think that it seems that voters are more forgiving than they used to be? do you think that signals progress for our country or the slow decay of our moral values? (laughter) >> wow. wow. that's a tough one. >> stephen: this eight charlie rose mother [bleep]. come back and tell me. come back and tell me. eliot spitzer, candidate for new york city comptroller.
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>> stephen: welcome back, folks. thanks so much, folks. if you watch this show you know that as a protector of our national moral virtue, i have long bemoaned the oversexualization of our culture. and then i bemoaned my bemoaning, because some of it sounded pretty sexy. well for once, folksing i'm not the only elderly person yelling at the youngsters to get off my loin. (laughter) because i have got the old gray lady on my side. you see, over the weekend "the new york times" published an article titled sex on campus, she can play that game too. tearing its lid off the breaking news story that women in college, brace yourselves, enjoy the sex. (laughter)
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now i'll give you-- i will give you a moment while your minds and only your minds are blown. (laughter) now as the article notes, folks, as the article notes traditional dating in college has mostly gone the way of the land line replaced by hooking up. and there's an increasing realization that young women are propelling it. now for those not hip to the scene, the phrase "hooking up" is teen talk for any sex younger people are having. evidently, using propellers. now nation this is truly shocking. there has not been an expose like this since the front line documentary series on how wild are girls have gone. before this "new york times" exclusive story, i thought only guys had sex in college. i mean-- (laughter) isn't that what frats are for? i mean go capa alpha. i have to say, i have to say
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i'm not surprised that "new york times" nailed this trend. i would expect nothing less from the paper that also nailed the shocking evidence of college sex in 2012, 2010, 2008, 1997, 1988, 1976, 1972, 1968, 1967, 1963. and in 1940 when an-- clucked about the sex relations between the students and coeducational colleges. yes. (applause) >> stephen: yes, yes, the sex relations. (applause) the sex relations, as disturbing today as it was then, because those people are now your grandparents. (laughter) and who, who among us can forget 1904 when actual times writer henry mitchell mccrocken, brother of phil mckraken, i believe, wrote a scathing expose on risk
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surrounding college men in big cities, namely the lowest grade of impulses from the sexual pro pension. oh, oh my goodness. oh goodness me. (applause) goodness, my billuous humors haven't been so basely aroused since i glimpse that deguero type of a-- quick, question, a fink ture of mercury will rehabilitate my constitution. you see, you see, folks, back-- later we're doing the macado. you see, nation n 1904 no one had deared plumb the depths of a young man's am orous proclivities mainly because "the new york times" want founded until 1851 and sex wasn't invented until 1893. well, folks, tonight i have
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a special treat for you. please welcome the man who is still evidently "the new york times" times trends editor henry mitchell mckraken. mr. mccraken, please. sit down, thank you. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now henry, henry, thank you for coming. what an honor. evidently "the new york times" has published essentially the same article every few years over the last century. clearly a complex issue, boil it down for us. >> they're doing it! (applause) >> stephen: yeah, okay, i -- >> girls too! >> stephen: i got that part. >> and they like it! >> stephen: so i gathered, yeah. >> rubbing their bathing suit areas. >> stephen: okay, i've never heard it call that. >> kissy canoe and doing it too. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> taking a ride on the bone
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zeppelin. >> stephen: anything else? >> playing the old hoop and stick. get an old, a tuck in the bathtub (laughter) >> stephen: well, henry, well, henry, i think that about covers it. is there anything else you think the public should know. >> i would really like to go back to college. (laughter) (cheers and applause) could you write me a recommendation? >> stephen: with pleasure, henry. henry mitchell mckraken, everybody. (cheers and applause) >> i'm going to get some tail. >> stephen: we'll be right >> th
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>> stephen: welcome back. my guest tonight is an actor, muss ig, photographer and
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author. the most impressively he's been on its colbert report twice. please welcome jeff bridges. (cheers and applause) >> hey, everybody, hey, thank you for coming back. all right, everybody knows who you r the you are the a academy award-winning actor jeff bridges. >> that's me! >> stephen: yeah. welcome back. >> thank you. >> stephen: good to see you. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: you're here now with a new movie called ripd. >> that some people are calling it bad, it's also called arrest in peace department. >> stephen: rest in peace department. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: i would ask you what that means but instead let's watch a clip. >> hell of an idea. thanks. >> when you ride with me you ride with the best. the pace is lightning, expectations high, things are going to come at you fast, they're going to come hot. and they're going to come wet.
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>> wet? >> learn to drive, bim bo. >> you've done this before, driving? >> look at the ankles on that girl. >> that's what you're into, ankles, that's what does it for you. >> in my day women dressed conservatively. >> that makes you way less creepy. >> stephen: so your guy there-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: to understand that, why, what dow mean where he came from, what does that mean. >> well, we are dead folks. we are dead police officers. i am a dead marshal from the 1800s. ryan reynolds is a modern day policeman who is recently deceased and we're members of the rest in peace department and it's our job to search out souls that are dead but they cling to life. they want to remain with us. and we can't have that. it would crowd us out.
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>> stephen: so you kill ghosts again. >> yeah, you could say that, yes, yes, ghosts who refuse to die, yes. >> stephen: would you go so far as to say you bust ghosts in a way. >> in a way. >> stephen: a little bit, a little bit. >> at risk a-- would you say that. okay, do you believe in ghosts? >> i am not sure. at times, i don't know. >> stephen: think about it for a second. >> maybe we are ghosts right here as we speak. i can imagine that. >> stephen: maybe this is the afterlife. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: you know, i have often thought about that. >> yes, i have as well. >> stephen: because i really love my life. dow love your life. >> i do. >> stephen: i think the people i spend my time with in the day, my family and everything, those people, you know, should i be so lucky as to go to heaven those are people i'm going look for in heaven. >> angels. >> stephen: right, okay. but they're here with me now so maybe i'm already in heaven. >> that's what i'm saying, i agree. >> stephen: are you and i saying the exact same thing.
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>> exactly, man. >> stephen: all right. are you actually this relaxed or are you [bleep] relaxed? >> no, no, no. are you actually you? >> no, no, stephen, i'm an actor this is an act. >> stephen: really? >> oh, yes. >> stephen: because people look at you. the last time you were here i said you relax me on-site. but is that real? are you-- or is there like-- a twisted fire inside of you. >> no, well, not twisted fire. there's sort of a low grade anxiety, fear, irritation going on all the time. >> stephen: how do you -- >> you can relate to that. i think we agreed on the heaven thing. do you feel. >> stephen: i'm hip to that. okay, how do you deal with it? >> i make this sound-- (laughter) it's also something we share, right? >> stephen: and i make that
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sound. >> it's the eagle sound. >> stephen: oh the eagle, i hate to burst your bubble, that's not an eagle. (laughter) >> what the hell is that thing. >> stephen: that is a red tailed hawk [bleep] you should know that. >> let's dot eagle, come on, man. >> stephen: eagles have little childreny. eagles-- (cheers and applause) eagles have a little anemic children, i wanted a bird that sounded like it was swinging some balls. you also, i got another question for you here, you also have something called end hunger network. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: what is that? >> it's an organization i started about 30 years ago. and we were in cahoots with a wonderful organization called share our strength. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> i have been the national spokesperson for campaign of theirs called no kid hungry and that's all about ending childhood hung never our country sses so if somebody is hungry, how does it end
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hunger help them. >> well, we have got this great texting campaign, you know, most of these kids who are struggling with hunger get their nutrition from school, you know, in breakfast programs and lunch programs. but when school's out during the summer, they don't have that-- those meals available to them. but there's a texting program that share our strength has got going where if you text food to 877-877 you request find out where there is a summer meal program in your area. >> stephen: all right. (applause) >> stephen: jeff, thank you so much for joining us again, jeff bridges. the movie is ripd.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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from comedy central's world news head quarters in new york this is the daily show with jon stewart. (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to the daily show! my name is john oliver, i'm in for jon stewart who is spending the summer undercover posing as a high-school student posing to bust a drug rink [bleep] i think i just outed him. now they'll realize he is not a real teenage girl. get out of there rebecca, run as fast as your hairy legs can carry you! our guest tonight is here to talk about the final book by the late, great, david rackoff, sarah vowell is going to be with us this evening. (cheers and applause) >> we begin tonight